We can all have dreams

oh baby. let's sit back, put on the hi-fi, and soak in a hot bath of some kind of dense beefy gravy, together.

i love you.

Twinkie Pinkie

imagine my surprise! that's much more filling than i bargained for. i guess i shouldn't complain. it is a collectors item after all.

Road Safety Matters

Don't want to endanger other drivers. Unfortunately there's only one of these, or i would share.

The world has missed you, prodigal appendage

The only figure with enough Machismo

This was a natural fit. No one could argue with that.

Dinty. Moore. Dinty Moore.

In that town, everybody has a can in the cupboard. I guarantee it. It's probably a matter of civic pride.

Charm. it's what distinguishes a Man

The Autopsy Results tell all

after complete review of the autopsy results, the coroner has issued the following statement.

Steve Vai had a lot of us fooled

it only makes sense! why the hell did i not notice this before? no one else would have a custom tri-neck guitar made, unless they had illicitly procured a additional appendage accomplice.

Mmmmm. You love the opaque glaze fluid

You fuckers would eat this shit for Lunch and Dinner.
Ever eaten La Choy? Ethiopians wouldn't eat that shit.

it's not really a fat joke

the family connection seems obvious now that i think about it

One Less Guest On Taco Night

it's going to take a lot of rubber gloves to clean that up. thanks, Shaquille.

honesty in broadcasting

Good people don't flip off the elderly unprovoked.

 

i really did this. for like a month, at stoplights or on the highway. i remember honking at cars full of old people, and when they'd look over, BOINK! they'd get the bird, usually bobbing up and down like a sewing machine. i really got a kick out of the confusion/terror. i am a bad person.

So, Swayze is not feeling well huh?

 

oh, who am i kidding? You rule, Swayze! don't die! take some vitamins or eat some zinc or something. You're like a big brother to me, protecting us all from the asshole socs and the invading Russians when our mountain town is under siege. i know you'll find a way to contact me after you die... just be gentle with me as i make my pottery.

Yea for burping!

few things feel as good, as solid, and as rewarding as a coke-generated superburp. "Belch" barely describes the long, acidic, hot, gurgly burp i get from these. Yeah coke!

sick of it, stupid, so stupid

 

i hate it! so why can't i cancel it?

to each his own

yours too?

we all deserve this.... putting foxes in charge of the henhouse

what was i supposed to do?

this was a lot more than once. they blame me, but I blame the damn airport food, starbucks, stupid early morning, and the change in air pressure.

Friends Are Stupid [Redux]

It's not like they're the ones who arrowed your dome, but they could help with that burning, pointy, bleedy-feeling you've got in the back of your head. Dicks.

Mr. Bad Decisions #4

The only person dumber than him is his dumb as hell wife. He knows this.

Mr. Bad Decisions #3

It's too late, man. You can stop trying to q-tip the germs out of your dickhole now.

It's 2009 and Everybody is Equal!

Open-handed, not fist-clinched, and not above the chest. That's assault, baby. 

Mr. Bad Decisions #2

This guy will never see a green light in his entire life. That's why he's the dick who clogs up every intersection he meets.